Satire / Union

Welcome Back to the Cliff of Union Despair – NOT under new management

Image generated by Craiyon AI

We at the Cliff of Union Despair are proud (unlike Section 140) to reopen our doors to all those who have been seeking refuge during these gloriously dark times. We just installed a brand new security system based on the Union’s defense this year, so basically you can go into any room and take anything you want, so long as there are ten minutes left before checkout.

We are pleased to have Three VIPs (Very Impotent Persons) staying with us at the CUD, and they will be given top priority to all of our  premium amenities.

Maestro Tanner has taken up a semi-permanent residence in our Nostalgia Baths, stocked with the finest nostalgia-juice, guaranteed to give you the warm fuzzies without any of the anxiety or uncertainty that the future presents. Herr Tanner has requested only our finest 2 and 3 year old nostalgia-juice: our exquisite Julian Carranza blend, which is now out of stock.

Lordship Sugarman has cordoned off our viewing room to return visitors at this time, so he can run a continuous loop of the club’s valuation chart. When not in the viewing room, he can be found in the study, pouring over maps and scouting reports, searching desperately for the perfect international acquisition … of which island in the Caribbean he can purchase through a carried interest loophole in the Capital Gains tax so he can borrow against the value of the arrow on the rich person chart rather than use any of his own money.

Finally, our third VIP is undergoing a rigorous regimen of rehabilitation during his stay. The staff has taken to calling him Ginger Berhalter, but Coach Curtin has been very busy at the Cliff. Gordon Bombay…., I mean Coach Curtin – has been giving seminars on his thesis titled “Dressed to Depress: How to Wear a Billboard for Your Hubris.” He has also been seen visiting our Kinder-Union wing to learn some lessons around sharing time. Oh, it looks like class is in session, let’s listen in:

TEACHER: Now Jimmy remember, don’t be a time bear, learn to share.
JIMMY: But what if I don’t want Tai Burrito to play?
TEACHER: Jimmy, it’s pronounced “Baribo” and you know that. Don’t call people names. Now class, can you all say “SUB-STI-TU-TION”?
JIMMY: Ale-Plays-Until-He’s-Hurt?
TEACHER: Not quite, try again…“SUB-STI-TU-TION”
JIMMY: M’Baizo-Is-Always-The-Answer?
TEACHER: Good try, one last time…“SUB-STI-TU-TION”
JIMMY: Uhre-Plays-Even-Though-He-Is-So-Mentally-Fakakta-He-Couldn’t-Score-If-His-Life-Depended-On-it? … What’s that brown liquid you’re pouring into your cup teacher?

Moving on past our staff training area, you’ll see our marketing and ticketing reps focusing on their stair climbs. We make sure that our marketing team can get up those stairs as quickly as it takes to get one of those nasty signs. This is America after all. Freedom of speech for everyone, until you pay someone else to enter their premises and display a negative non-vulgar opinion.

Continuing on back to the Concourse, where we want the Cliff of Union Despair to best replicate the Game Day Experience to which all Union faithful have grown accustomed. You’ll notice the premium lack of ventilation, providing only the freshest stale air that money doesn’t buy, we feel this superior suffocation experience is the perfect compliment your emotional anguish of watching the Union on the field. Yes, we have gigantic fans we could use to cool down the concourse, but we at the Cliff of Union Despair are as devoted to climate change denial as Union Leadership are to denying impactful roster changes.

Escape to our commissary, where you can see our fridges stocked full of eh craft beer and meh imports. And to reflect the game day experience to its fullest, we have made sure to have only two drink attendants on hand to ensure the longest lines our Concourse can handle – it’s our way of putting you in ever-closer touch with your fellow malcontents.

Finally, as you head back to your cars – because who the hell takes mass transit to the CUD – we have strategically placed “Emotio-Physio Experience Artists” by each gate, tasked with interpreting the emotional experience of the game into a physical one by delivering the most premium hand to face intersection that you will ever experience… until you come again. Because if the leadership can’t learn and doesn’t change, why should you?



  1. The Choppet says:

    Will there be free cookies! They used to have them at the Cliff back in the day.

    • Cliff of Union Despair Management says:

      We have aggressively reinvested our Cookie budget into our academy program called the “Slope of Union Sullenness.” We are expecting big things out of them 15 years from now.

  2. very clever summation Kyle, let me see if I can add some spice.
    1- Coach Curtin will be looking for greener pastures because he is tired of baby sitting.

    2- the Union is very exciting to watch because you may experience or see the next Messi.

    3- The Union is a small market therefore does not command or afford quality players.

    4- Why should sugar daddy spend his paper profits to please the fans.

    5- Why ticket prices increase while the product deteriorates.

    Why should I follow a sport that called soccer instead of futball like the rest is the world. The Philly Soccer Page should rename itself the (philly footy page)

    • Santo has an ax to grind everyone! I think the CUD has a sharpening tool left behind by Pachy. He sharpened his skewers with it! Maybe you can use it! If you live in America you know all sport is a franchise. So America won’t have promotion/ relegation like the rest of the world. Won’t have a multi-tiered system of the beautiful game, and there for the American version of the world football game will be called soccer because America is not the rest of the world! I know you have an issue with the word soccer. Please take it up with the CUD council of terms and language. They were instrumental in the development of the Union bible. Please enjoy the rest of your week. If you still need something to complain about, I think there are a few more pressing issues with the Union than just football vs. soccer. I am beginning to think you don’t truly care about the Union at all! I mean where’s the outrage about the lack of friggin cookies at the CUD!!

      • your nationalistic view is miopic in my opinion, and I do care about the Union STH for over a decade…you?

      • I do not now how you reached the conclusion he has an ax to grind with everyone.

      • I guess my reply to both Santo and Joe will show up in the right spot…Santo you always complain about the football vs soccer wording. The fact is in America….the nation we live in. It’s called soccer. You said “like the rest of the world “ so my remarks are to your wording. Also “ why should I follow a sport called soccer” . So that’s why I questioned weather or not you care. I hope you didn’t get upset by my comments that was not my intention.

        Joe B. I didn’t say that Santo had an axe to grind with everyone… just in general an axe to grind. Hope that clears up any misunderstanding.

        As for my season ticket longevity, partial plan in 2010. Full season since. Have a great week everyone! I’m on vacation till Monday!

      • Boy I did skewer this franchise. Rightfully too. But then they developed the VPP: Vision Philosophy and Plan I so desperately argued on behalf of…
        …and my angst was generally assuaged.
        Now I observe, just as mindfully with mounting apathy to see if they can wend their way out of this current psychosis. It’s as though they thought they were cured and no longer needed the meds –> and as of yet do not seem to understand the meds are for life- in order to stay balanced —at all —even if that means, the dullness is ever-present.
        My epiphany friends, is I am increasingly concerned these last 5 years were the manic episode… and we (they) are now spent, resigned and sinking in to the deep depression from which this franchise was born…..again.
        I find myself nearly out of words. Most of my posts no longer receive comment as though the wooden spoon stirring the pot no longer is needed.
        Hell- John O and I have reached a truce and All for Love doesn’t even come around anymore.
        And maybe I’ve softened. I’m not too sure anymore about much as it relates to this franchise. I just know in the bottom of my heart Gareth Bale stole my ‘Union Soccer Happiness’ he took some of the will to argue and fight because I know that was the chance…
        …and I just hope they go back on the salts to stabilize.
        Just Play Well.

    • I enjoyed your spicy remarks !

    • Santo – The English speaking world has used “soccer” since 1880 when it was an abbreviation / bastardized version of “association” football in England. Arguably “soccer” has been used as long as “futball” has been used in the non-English speaking world.

      • thanks for that, and everyone gets rattled about it, Montag also,——– I don’t believe its an appropriate description of the sport. Think about it what the HELL you play with the feet and you called what? just because its been in use for a long time its been wrong for a long time too.

      • Santo, grow up. It is been called soccer in England, where the sport was invented, since the 1880s.

        Everyone knows what futbol is; everyone knows what soccer is. No one else here gets bent out of shape like you do.

        And the Union play a 4-4-2 most of the time, not a 4-3-3.

      • please keep soccer in england but keep futball in the USA……You grow up and accept the obvious…….be well futball is a beautiful game……..

      • But Santo, it’s always been soccer in U.S.; you are the only one discussing this. Or trolling this….

        More importantly, the the Union have never played the “beautiful game” – anything but. They’ve always played soccer.

      • Still friends good luck to all the fans

  3. I think you about captured it Mr Custer…as they say, sad but true.

  4. OneManWolfpack says:

    Welcome to all the new-comers… it’s a terrible, no good, awful place. Just the way we “like” it. I for one appreciate the renovations and look forward to the cookies. Great article

    • There were some years the cookies were the only thing we had. Well, the cookies and a surplus of goal keepers.

  5. Great job, Kyle! I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry, and I think that’s the point.

  6. I need a CUD t-shirt… can I get one in the CUD gift shop?

    • Cliff of Union Despair Management says:

      Gift Shop? Gift Shop?! Ohh you must mean our monetary transaction center! Why yes we do have one of those. Pardon my momentary confusion. We aren’t in the business of giving stuff away for free… or “gifts” as you call them. Ew. We do indeed have a wide array of premium merchandise for purchase, such as shirts that all look vaguely the same with slightly different colors and font, inexplicably oversized chain medallions that every child wants until you buy it and put it around their neck and then they say “It’s heavy – you hold it”, and plushies of our very own mascot “Cliffy.” Well-its not really a plushie, it’s actually just a rock from Lot J.
      In order for our monetary transaction center to best meet our revenue – I mean customer – needs we have employed a dynamic algorithmic pricing model. We can calculate the exact amount you are willing to pay for your precious “T-shirt” in order to offset your despair from watching the Union. And for each time you ask yourself, your significant other, or the lord on high “Do I need this?” the price increases 5 dollars in order to incentivize your purchase before the price increases again.
      Because here at the Cliff of Union Despair, the best way to ensure your happiness is to shut up and give us money.

  7. I’m an ORIGINAL STH, and not sure to say I’m the smartest tool in the shed for being one. Years back I’ve witnessed the Union put teams on the field that JV high school teams could easily beat, I’ve relished in the success of hoisting one piece of hardware and then witnessed the worst heartbreaking loss in a championship of ANY PROFESSIONAL TEAM IN ANY PROFESSIONAL SPORT WORLD WIDE. From that loss on the owners for no other reason possible than GREED ALONE, have sat on their keisters reviewing their investment grow almost as large as the US government deficit. My ticket prices and concessions and gear CONTINUE to cost more & grow larger same as the clubs ‘loss column’. At this point we (STH) should file a class action lawsuit for ‘theft by deception’ since the club has chosen to make NO IMPRESSIONABLE CHANGES’ to the squad to impact any improvement and expected different results!?!?! OWNERS… take the financial handcuffs off of the general manager and allow him to acquire the needed players to take this team to the next winning level, or just cash out and enjoy your incredible wealth you accrued on the backs of the faithful fans you continue to place behind your disgusting greed. PS converting a dilapidated industrial garage into a beer hall with dozens of tv’s is NOT an example of ‘investing into a winning club’ it’s an ignorant token of bullsh#t trying to deflect from your true LACK of commitment for a WINNING club we deserve and have supported for 15 years… it breaks my heart to consider giving up my seat that has my name on it from day one but it’s a very real possibility. WAKE THE ‘F’ UP OWNERSHIP & SH#T OR GET OUT OF THE BUSINESS that you’re proving you have no desire to be CHAMPIONS in…

    • Andy Muenz says:

      +1 on all counts including considering giving up the seats with my name on them.

    • From one glutton for punishment to another, I too am an original STH. (Hey, that’s it! The whole lot of us can join a supporters group, more like a “support group”, called the Gluttons for Punishment!) We’ve watched as they took over relatively more convenient parking spaces for fields, making the crowds walk farther to witness the disappointing play on the pitch. Just as badly, we’ve had to use those parking lots that are unpaved, swampy when wet, and impossible to navigate before and after games. Of course, we now have the beer hall (to which I can almost assure you I will never go), and an affiliation with a Danish club that was announced like it would have some impact on the club, but no explanation for that was ever provided. We keep handing over our money, and they keep on using it for weird things that don’t improve the product on the field. It’s on me, not them, that I continue to do this, and I am just not sure how much longer I will do so.

  8. Clever article. Fans need to not go into their seats unti way after the game starts. Apple TV will be forced to say something about the empty stadium . At some appropriate point they need to start a chant aimed at their hate for Sugarman. Sell the team is not the correct chant. That can be spun by the media to mean something else. It’s got to be directed at Sugarman. If its loud enough even Apple can’t ignore it.

  9. Deez Nuggs says:

    It’s good to be home! While I like staying in a premium resort, I much more comfortable here.

  10. excellent piece. it got lonely here for a short while.

    i put away all my union gear last week. i find welcome distraction in the random soccer i stumble across (whitecaps vs pacific fc? anyone else?) and cherish the Copa, Euros and even the upcoming Olympics. that’ll get me through until the Prem starts. then this season will unmercifully be over.

  11. thanks for that, and everyone gets rattled about it, Montag also,——– I don’t believe its an appropriate description of the sport. Think about it what the HELL you play with the feet and you called what? just because its been in use for a long time its been wrong for a long time too.

  12. The great El Pachy said it above and I’ve seen it on here before that 2022 was ‘The Chance’, and yeah, Union should have finished the job, but I will always believe the real chance was 2021.

    Eastern Conference final at home, Castellanos suspended, and a very beatable opponent out West (Gareth Bale wasn’t coming off that bench). You can argue if the COVID protocols were right or wrong, but for 75ish minutes Union played well enough to win. Then Harriell just missed a header on a corner, Mbaizo had a brain f*rt, and NYCFC were through.

    These are kind of thoughts us long-time residents of the Cliff have. More often than we should, probably.

  13. This is absolutely glorious

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