Satire

Return to the Cliff of Union Despair

Editor’s note: Longtime PSP readers know about the Cliff of Union Despair. Like the Union Bible, it popped up one day in PSP’s Comments section, and the black humor was hilarious at a time when black humor was necessary for Union fans. Well, another one showed up in the email inbox today, and these days, we recognize comedic genius enough that we give CUD the full post treatment.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

It has been a while hasn’t it? What took you all so long? We are more than happy to accept your residency back at the Cliff of Union Despair! The expansion efforts by those front office imposters to open up the Plains of Cautious Union Optimism sure have panned out, eh? We knew you’d be back, we didn’t know what took you so long, the Union haven’t won a meaningful game for 8 months, but perhaps you were blinded by the gleam coming off The Steward of the fraudulent enterprise’s  head.

We have made some improvements to the CUD since you last visited us. Most of these enhancements have been to accommodate our most illustrious guest, Mr. Curtin. We have our newly refurbished mental hygiene atrium, complete with padded walls, where you can join the multitudes that just want a place to bang your head against a wall and say to yourself, “Simpson was a good choice! Simpson was a good choice!”

We have also christened a new practice facility for Mr. Curtin. It is a desk and microphone where he can practice – -um — a little bit of good speaking — uh – ya know, we can get a little better and learn something about ya know — speaking to the fanbase without — well that’s the thing — letting everyone know you have no f!@&ing clue what you are talking about.

We are perhaps most excited about our new commissary complete with a beverage stand that runs out of cups for beer within 30 minutes, and has no backup contingency plan to replace them effectively, just like Fabinho! Don’t worry, we will rotate out the food … occasionally … well, as per Mr. Curtin’s wishes, only every 65th and 80th minute of a 90-minute interval. Even the health department in Chester is looking at us a little funny.

The newest addition to our facility is the whipping post out back! Feel free to venture out there and give yourself a couple of good lashings to atone for your sins. You clearly did something to deserve this. Nothing like a few holy lashes to exorcise these demons.

Mr. Curtin, we hope that you have enjoyed your stay here at the Cliff of Union Despair and that you can visit us again soon, perhaps in a custodial arts capacity. It is a stay that is going to be cut short way longer than expected or deserved. The highest compliment we can receive is the referral of your business, so feel free to friend request Bob Bradley on your way out, because we know he has never heard of you.

We do hope that you all will visit the Cliff of Union Despair soon “Where you can’t buy a win.”

13 Comments

  1. el Pachyderm says:

    Where luck has no residence.Fortune makes no acquaintance and Fabinho somehow continues to make the 11.
    .
    I love the sardonic tone of this.

  2. Thank you for making me smile.

  3. Enjoyed this more then should be legally allowed. Not sure if that qualifies for season ticket to CUD or life ban.

  4. Old Soccer Coach. says:

    Given what day it is might the Union Bible be read from the cliff as the desperate faithful raise up their hands in prayer?

    • Dan C (formerly of 103) says:

      It could be read at night, illuminated by the combusted glow of Fabinho’s rocket to the sun.

  5. Section 114 (Formerly) says:

    Can PSP create a Hall of Fame on the site? Either under the History section or someplace else. This would be a place to permanently pin great moments in PSP.
    .
    I would propose that the original CUD, the Solar Rocket, the Union Bible, and any picture of Porfiro Lopez be the first four inductees.
    .
    And we could have an annual process to select any necessary new inductees. This could be something to do after the season ends for the Union and while the rest of MLS deals with the playoffs.

  6. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Adu’Edu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

  7. Outside the Box says:

    I text this on my way home from the game. I am gracefully diving off…for the 8th time in 8 seasons…splash!

  8. Holy crap how did I miss this….Is it to late….Can I still have a spot…. Please tell me the cookie bar is still here. Did they fix the Wifi?? Who cares….I have a straight jacket and I’m goin in!!!

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