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The Union were so ugly that …

Photo:Nicolae Stoian

Philadelphia Union took a nose dive off the ugly tree Sunday and hit every branch on the way down.

The Union never actually got off the team bus upon arriving at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. They just parked it and only let Jack McInerney and Amobi Okugo off long enough to score a couple of goals.

In honor of the Union’s inability to string together more than two consecutive passes Sunday and yet still win using John Hackworth’s defend-first game plan, I’ll forgo the stringing together of multiple structured, coherent thoughts in this column, but I’ll still (try to) earn at least a draw.

Jeff Parke and Amobi Okugo = center back studs.

Ray Gaddis may be the right-footed Justin Mapp.

There is a Twitter account dedicated to Justin Mapp’s right foot. It’s a little early for Gaddis. He still has the sleek, brand new car shine to him. His left-turn blinker, however, seems faulty.

The Union were so ugly Sunday that, when they stopped the team bus at Taco Bell after the game, everyone ran for the border.

Antoine Hoppenot showed why not to dive — and why he deserves to play.

Take a bow, Mr. McInerney.

As the Union boarded the team bus in Chester last week, John Hackworth directed the driver toward Route 1. Philly locals Jeff Parke and Chris Albright promptly pointed out that Route 1 doesn’t take the team to Philadelphia International Airport or Denver, Col., at which point Hackworth replied, “It does when I’m in charge.” Jim Curtin nodded sagely and smacked Albright in the head.

Road wins matter.

Good work Colorado

Colorado deployed its tricky three-goalkeeper formation against the Union, according to Altitude Sports’ TV broadcast out of Colorado on Sunday.

You are no longer allowed to complain about Union TV broadcasters. Forget Bob Rigby and how much of an improvement Alejandro Moreno is. Until you’ve witnessed the clueless, homer TV broadcast put forth by Altitude Sports in Colorado, you don’t quite understand bad television production.

The Union were so ugly Sunday that Bill Clinton wouldn’t sleep with them.

Colorado’s finishing was almost as ugly, with their top striker and playmaker injured. Maybe a certain opposing coach banked on that, eh?

Sebastien Le Toux: Suddenly pretty good at corner kicks. Who knew?

No truth to the rumor that Roger Torres and Bakary Soumare have the name “Gutierrez” stitched on the backs of their jerseys.

We can’t comment, however, on whether their contracts include playing time incentives with bonuses that go in part to the Union’s former chief agent scout, Diego Gutierrez, and that contributes to their lack of playing time.

John Hackworth reminds PSP of another humble, understated guy with killer instinct and unrecognized genius.

Zac MacMath hasn’t been the same since his concussion last year, but he made some key, aggressive plays late in the game Sunday. (No comment on the goal he let in. Not piling on.)

There will be no diving in Okugo’s presence, Deshorn Brown. Get the f**k up, man, and cut that s**t out.  (Yes, we heard you, Amobi. Philly represents.)

John Hackworth is Columbo. Underestimate him at your own risk. His humble, understated, and straightforward demeanor masks a subtle genius with killer instinct. (Or not. It’s one or the other.)

Hackworth’s game plan was so ugly Sunday that … it worked.


  1. Scotch Man says:

    It was an ugly game and I recall thinking halfway into the second half, they’ll be lucky to escape with a draw. Okugo and McInerney were truly heroic and I even have to give some props to MacMath who had soured on me, personally. He really made some great stops at the end.

    But we definitely must be honest here. A better team wins easily against the Union playing like this.

  2. JediLos117 says:

    The Union were so ugly Sunday that Bill Clinton wouldn’t sleep with them. But ugly enough that Arnold Schwarzenegger would.

  3. Kenso Josh says:

    This column is a nice prose version of the staccato we saw on Sunday. I also watched through the Colorado broadcast, and cursed at the no soccer knowledge but passionate fandom announcing.

    • Right? There was a moment in the game when McInerney cut off a run because he was in an offside position by the time the pass came, and the broadcasters start commenting on how he gave up because he didn’t want to hustle. I’m sitting there thinking, “So, this Balboa guy, he was a soccer player, right? Right?”

      • There was one moment when a colorado player dove. He didn’t get touched at all and the guy was saying he got clipped from behind. Wasn’t even close.

      • Yes, Altitude’s broadcast was terrible.

        Buddle was practically invisible while leading the line on Sunday…oh right, he’s injured and unavailable.

        Perhaps they should have coaxed Scott Garlick out of retirement to play that role.

      • Eli Pearlman-Storch says:

        Garlick did play for Colorado at one point. Excellent reference.

  4. I’ve come to the conclusion that Torres and Soumare are really in the witness relocation program and playing them would put lives at risk…

  5. And Keon Daniel sucks royale with cheese. Wow he blows. No mentions, Dan?

  6. Don’t you mean Torres and Soumare have “Gonzalez” stitched on their backs? As in the 6-figure paperweight, Juan Diego?

  7. Considering last season we only took 13 pts on the road with just 3 road wins from 17 matches, I’ll take these 3 pts no matter how ugly they were.

  8. Last night when the game was replayed on TV, I asked my wife if she was interested in watching the death of soccer.

  9. Dear Immigrations and Customs Enforcement,
    We are sorry. Please take him back!
    The Free Keon Movement

  10. I came to the conclusion that both teams mentally were set for a Saturday game. They both were out of synch.

  11. Southside Johnny says:

    This game reminded me of my first marriage…a few fleeting moments of rapture lost in an eternity of pain and humiliation…

  12. OneManWolfpack says:

    Just more proof that the 3 GK lineup can’t get it done. HA!

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