Editor’s note: The Union Bible showed up in our Comments section one day, courtesy of reader Kyle Custer, and was quickly determined by all — yes, all — to be absolutely hilarious. When it showed up again and continued to be loved by all, PSP’s editors decided we wanted it as a guest column. So it came to pass, and so it shall be, henceforth and forevermore, or as long as the writer(s) stop writing it. It’s a team effort between Kyle and his dad, Matt. 

And it came to pass that Sakoshitz the Lame was banished to a land of sticks and nets, nevermore to antagonize and berate the Unionites. Thus the Overlord brought forth from the Lowerlands an Earnest man to show the Unionites the way to victory.

The Earnest man declared “I know the way and thou shalt follow.” And the Unionites followed him earnestly. And he decreed, “We shall fix our scales for cheating, buying low and selling high. High shalt we not buy, for it is not low, and low only shall we buy, except when we designate that we buy somewhere in the middle, which is somewhat lower than high. And oh yes, we shall play Tough.”

And the Earnest man began to fortify the Unionites’ ranks with such as could be bought low and still be serviceable: a designated Bedouin, purchased from the Franks; a succession of Lowlanders, Britons, and young recruits and academicians; a bridgeman and a mercenary from Judea. And a Fafa. Thus fulfilled, the Unionites were full of expectations. And a speedster was flipped to the Norse for further training.

And having trained in the southern sun under the watchful eye of the Draper, the Unionites saw that they were ready for battle, for they knew their formation and their Toughness, and traveled far to the northwest to do battle against the Tides. And having stemmed the Tides at a low ebb, the Faithful rejoiced.

Returning to their homeland, the Unionites did battle against the giants from the Land of Loons.

Undaunted, the Draper sent his formation and Toughness into the fray unchanged. But the Bedouin, having missed a chance to slay the Loons, could lead the cohort only to another standstill. And the Faithful were dismayed.

Thus returning to the southern sun, the Unionites were full confidence, having trained under the Draper for another week with the same battle formation and Toughness to slay the Lions. But the Lions were ready for the formation; seemingly everywhere at once and faster afoot, the Lions mauled the Unionites. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Faithful.

And a cry went up from the Scribes, “We have seen the formation and the Toughness and it is not enough. We are too oft overtaken and our attackers are too oft blunted. Our long game falls short and our short game goes long. Our walls crumble too easily and we are saved only by The Brothers’ Keeper. This is not good. Waaaah.”

But an elder Scribe cautioned, “Chester was not built in a season. Have trust in our Earnest man, for he has a plan to buy low and sell high and lead us out of this wilderness in say, 5 or 10 seasons or so.”

And the Faithful joined in chorus and exclaimed, “Meh.”