Fans' View / Satire

Fans’ View: The Union Bible

Editor’s note: PSP reader Kyle Custer wrote one of the funniest, most insightful and most original comments we’ve seen, buried in the Comments section of Monday’s news roundup. We thought it entertaining enough that we asked him if we could post it as a stand-alone guest column so we could make sure that more people saw it, and Kyle agreed. (Kyle is also the guy who came up with The Cliff of Union Despair. Or, more accurately, recognized it.) Here it is.

Union Genesis 1:1 – 1:2

“They did breaketh ground in a shit heap called Chester. The SOBs saw it and said it was good.”

Unionites 2:15

“The one that is called Nowak shall lead the Unionites into the promised land of hopes and playoffs. The Unionites were then smited by the Houstonians, and they returned to exile.”

Unionites 3:21-3:29

“A great madness did befall the one called Nowak, and he brought upon the Unionites a great South American Plague of Pajoys and Porfirios. It indeed was a dark time of the Unionites. Nowak was cast out. The Unionites prayed that the one true savior, John Worthy of Hack, would deliver unto the Unionites that which was promised to them: a team that played to a level worthy of the devotion of the Unionites.”

Second Letter of Hackworth to the Phaithful 1:19 – 1:26

“Thou shalt play Philly tough. Thou shalt not have any tactics. Thou shalt play Keon Daniel. Thou shalt not look like a real soccer team. Thou shall win the draft. Thou shalt not play those players. Thou shalt utter YAAL and WSSM to the heavens.”

Book of the Cup that is Open 5:53 – 5:58, 5:66-5-68

“And the Evil Sigi did open the seventh seal and revealed unto the Unionites he who is Obafemi. The Unionites replied in unison, ‘Oh shit.’ A young and inexperienced son of a curtain maker, named James, did send onto the field of battle a diminutive warrior, Daniel of the Spanish Cross. To which the Unionites replied in union, ‘Oh Shit.’

“With a mighty blow the French Legionnaire did striketh at the heart of the Great Seattlian God, Sounderesh. Though its arms are numerous and strong, it has but one goal, but one heart. With a cacophonous clang of the goalpost, Sounderesh knew the Unionites were then to be devoured.”

Book of Snakeiwicz 6:15 – 6:29

“Behold! Your new God! We shalt call him Rais! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! He has traveled from Algeria, and Poland, and France, and Bulgaria, and Russia, and Norway, and Australia, and Brazil spreading his gospel of Bitch Face to the masses. It is a new day Unionites. Rejoice!”

Book of Misallocation 154789:1

“And the one called Rais was tossed from the Cliff of Union Despair. And there was much rejoicing.”

28 Comments

  1. This is insane… and beautiful

  2. Did you notice the number of chapters in the Book of Misallocation? That was clever.

  3. “The Book of Allocation” – And Nowak said unto them “behold, I giveth, and I taketh away. For it is right and just that those who score shall be sent from this land, for it has been written that the wise shall buy low and sell high.” And the Frenchman was cast out from among them, thus fulfilling the prophecy: Blessed are they who have not seen the allocation money, but still believe…

  4. For some reason, “book of the cup that is open” cracks me up every time. This should be required reading for all union fans. Maybe even get a local company to sponsor a game day giveaway with this printed on little scrolls.

    • pragmatist says:

      I can’t express how much I love that scroll idea! PLEASE!!! Someone make that happen!

      …and then we can toss them into Sak’s seats after the game. Maybe he’ll get the point.

  5. Wow yes yes yes!

  6. I’m an atheist and still find this brilliant! Wait – perhaps BECAUSE I’m an atheist I find this brilliant…. 🙂

  7. Hey! Sigi ain’t EVIL! He’s the Angel with the BIG POTATOES!……”Oh Shit; Pennsylvanian for “Woe”…

  8. Thanks, Kyle and PSP.

  9. Old Soccer Coach says:

    Good decision, editors.

  10. Old Soccer Coach says:

    Many years ago, a pep rally presentation began, ” in the Beginning was the Word, and the word was SOCCER!” All credit to Tim Cronister.

  11. clap…clap…clap…clap
    .
    Might I suggest that Kyle start a new Twitter account so that we can allow follow his teachings.

  12. The Black Hand says:

    Well-played, Kyle…well fucking played!!!!

  13. ebradlee10 says:

    Thou shalt not change lineups in a playoff games.

  14. Atomic Spartan says:

    Ok sonny, waiting for the next chapter

  15. The Cliff of Union Despair says:

    We here at the Cliff of Union Despair do appreciate and hear your feedback (something that the Union FO doesn’t do) and we are proud to announce that a copy of the Union Bible is now available under every resident’s rock.

    It is a pay per page edition for the low low price of $19.95 per page turn.

    We look forward to your stay here at the CUD. “If you aren’t here already… You Haven’t been following the Union.”

  16. When I read this in the comments yesterday, I realized that I am not worthy of such brilliance and bow down to your witty and wise words…you, sir, are a talented and gifted Union fan.

  17. James Lockerbie says:

    Bravo, Bravo! Puts my Fan’s view, faith in Curtin to shame.

  18. I applaud and bow to these teachings. This is wonderful. I will drink your kool-aid.

  19. OneManWolfpack says:

    I saw this in the comments Monday and thought it was deserving of its own post. Glad it was elevated. Brilliant. I challenge any other teams commenters to come up with anything even half this good. Well done. See you on the Cliff!!

  20. This site is the only thing keeping me sane this season.

  21. J in Section 125 says:

    AlleDOOPya

  22. I’ve been smiling for hours after reading that. Simply entertaining.
    .
    Kyle, you are easily my favorite “poster” anywhere, EVER.

  23. Kingkowboys says:

    This is epic. This should be saved and amended every season with new teachings.

  24. Lamentations
    /
    And it came to pass that the Unionites wept for they had again been exiled from the land that was promised: the playoffs.

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