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Portugal tops North Korea…seriously

In what will probably be the soundest spanking of this World Cup, Cristiano Ronaldo & Co. bent the Dear Leader’s national soccer team over their laps, turned the hairbrush bristle-side up, and paddled the hopes and dreams out of an already ostracized squad.

Seven is not often a number that shows up in score lines, especially World Cup score lines. Today was an exception, as the Portuguese managed to drill just that many goals into the back of the People’s net.

To Korea’s credit, the first half gave no indication of the drubbing that was to follow. Just as the wily Koreans had managed to actually compete with Brazil, they managed to keep the first half admirably contentious, forcing Eduardo to make one dramatic save and scraping by defensively.  At the halftime whistle, Portugal was only up by one thanks to Raul Meireles.  In the 29th, the midfielder found space and broke through to receive a well-timed pass and finished with aplomb.

But the second half would see an outpouring of goals reminiscent of Chelsea’s ecstatic clinching of the EPL this year (minus one, of course). Seven minutes in, some cute passing play set Simao up to slide one in under Ri Myon Guk. Hugo Almeida must have been jealous or something, because less than a minute later he put himself at the receiving end of a quick cross and headed it powerfully in. Then it was Tiago’s turn, courtesy of some service from Ronaldo, who followed that action with a classic blistering longball that unfortunately smashed into the crossbar.

But why stop there?

Sub Liedson got in on the gangbang in the 80th, after the Korean defense had apparently drowned in despair and practically invited him to do so. At that point, it would have been just plain rude for Ronaldo not to score. The captain, for all his celebrity and personality, mostly displayed the most important characteristic of a leader- selflessness, his only real indulgence having come when the game was well in hand. In fact, after the game he would surrender his Man of the Match award to Tiago, proving that cockiness and humility aren’t always mutually exclusive.

So, his goal then- memorable to say the least.  With the Korean GK sliding his way, he popped the ball upwards at such an angle that as he continued his run, it came down behind his head.  He paused it, cradled in the back of his neck for a split second, and dropped it in front of himself to smash into goal.  It was as brilliant as it was fortuitous and hilarious.

Tiago would finish the job with his second goal of the night.  Kim Jong Il could not be reached for comment, but his Secretary of Disseminating Revolutionary Truth released the following statement:

Imperialist stooge Cristiano Ronaldo and his fellow oppressors of the people are the beneficiaries of North Korea’s righteous redistribution of World Cup Honor. Having proved themselves to be beyond reproach, our national soccer team has chosen to submit to elimination, rather than to further deprive their homeland of much needed agricultural services in our Fearless Leader’s sprawling potato fields.

We have allowed seven goals, one for each day of the week, in remembrance of Kim Jong Il’s invention of the concept of a week in the early 80s.  Had you forgotten? Mr. Ronaldo has privately expressed his humble gratitude, apologizing for offering his Man of the Match award to Tiago instead of Dearest Leader.

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