Forget the Oscars, it’s Uni time!

Ah, awards season. The Golden Globes! The Grammys! The Oscars! The Unis!

Yes, it’s the Unis. So don your powder blue tuxes while I, Mr. Tim Carr, the host and award presenter, do a cheesy lounge musical medley of “I’m looking over a four leaf clover,” “Union Man,” and “Doop,” then hand out arguably the most important trophies on Earth: the Unis.

And without further “Adu” (see what I did there?), let’s give out some Unis!

The Beckham (either for zaniest hair or best coupling with 90s pop star)

Danny Califf didn’t sport the mohawk this year, and we like Keon Daniel’s style…but (opening the envelope) the award goes to Veljko Paunovic! That 90s style Backstreet Boys haircut has just won him his first Uni. Congratulations Paunstar! A little something to take with you into retirement. We will miss you mightily in 2012.

Best Rumor of the 2011 season

And the Uni goes to Ronaldinho! Welcome to Philadelphia, sir! It all began with this headline, that included the phrase “TRINIDADIAN RONALDINHO.” Sure, the article wasn’t about THE Ronaldinho, but hey, yours truly skimmed it quickly and was soon jumping up and down like a prepubescent girl at a Justin Bieber concert. So, I’d like to give this Uni to the Brazilian Ronaldinho and, while you’re here Ronaldinho, have you seen PPL Park? You know we have great restaurants in Philadelphia? And there are some great beaches over the bridge. Ronaldinho, hey, why not try on a Union shirt? Just for kicks…

Best Goal Dance

And the Uni goes to everyone’s favorite Frenchman for the “Le Toux flash mob celebration.” Sebastien Le Toux can’t be here to accept this award (something about being busy in Vancouver), so I will accept the Uni on his behalf.

The Keon (best unexpected arrival)

Goes to… Keon Daniel! Where did he come from? Where did he disappear to? Who cares! What a great addition to our Union. So good he gets an award named after him after only (almost) one season in navy and gold. When I’m still wearing this tux and doing the 38th Annual Unis, “The Keon” will still be a prestigious award.

Most Divisive Topic (for Union Nation)

The Uni for “Most divisive topic” goes to (opening envelope) Jordan Harvey! The Union Nation is very kind to one another. Until Jordan Harvey comes up. Elite defender or confused? Crippling trade or no? Wait, the award doesn’t go to Jordan Harvey…it goes to Carlos Ruiz! Is he elite scorer or slacker? A baseball player or a soccer player? How did one award go to two guys? That’s ironically divisive. We’ll let the readers decide who gets their hands on this Uni (be nice to each other (and Jordan… and Carlos), kind readers!). Now there are three things I don’t speak about in PPL Park…religion, politics or Jordan Harvey/Carlos Ruiz. There’s no way to win a debate about any of those topics.

Most Fun Arrival of 2011

Close one. There were a few fun arrivals in 2011. Carlos Valdes! Freddy Adu! Carlos Ruiz! (cough) OK! Tough, tough category. Faryd Mondragon wins this because as soon as his signing was announced, he was dancing on TV. And who doesn’t like dancing?

Best Villain of 2011

The award goes to Andrew Hankinson (sorry, Mark Geiger), for this disappointing read. The writing is good; the condescending tone is not. Congrats on your award, Andrew. Now, as a Uni award winner, how about a little attitude change please. Thank you, and you’re welcome.

Best Player Nickname

Tight category. And the Uni goes to Danny Califf for “Bearfight.” Runner up is Danny Califf for “Uncle Elbows.” The 2010 Winner for this was Danny Califf for “Captain Insane-o.” Congratulations Danny Califf! Something makes me think we will see you back here next year.

Neatest Fan Story

And the Uni goes to…Hugh Jackman! Only because he’s a Union fan AND Wolverine. Runners up include Stuart Holden, Tasha Kai, and then these guys who flipped their car and were helped by Union and Flyers fans.

Nail Biter of 2011

This has to go to the four goal comeback against the New England Revolution. I had six heart attacks. SIX! And I’m a healthy guy! If I was stuffing my face with hot dogs or wings, I’d probably have had 10 heart attacks during this 4-4 thriller. Also that Mwanga to Adu cross was niiiiiice. Let’s see more of that in 2012!

That’s a wrap for this year’s Unis. See you all at the afterparties!

Feel free to propose your own Unis below.


  1. Topics I would love to see: “Worst Coaching decision”, “Wost Subs made”, “Worst subs not made”, “Most inexplicable starting lineup fielded.”

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