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MLS Cup Final Drinking Game/Match Preview/Drinking Game AGAIN!

Do you work on Monday? Me too.

Feel like joining me in offering a salute to the bigwigs at Major League Soccer for playing their most important game of the season at 9pm Eastern Standard Time (on ESPN) on a freaking SUNDAY? A time at which 90 percent of the owners of tiny Beckham jerseys up and down the Eastern seaboard will be unable to watch because it’s a school night?

A time at which they will have to compete against the Eagles vs. the Giants on Sunday Night Football?

You’re still going to watch it though, right? There are Beckhams to scream at it, Landycries to boo and hopefully Dynamo to toast when they embarrass their hosts.

MLS Cup 2011 Drinking Game Rules

Now with more tears!!!

When the pregame crew talks about Beckham and Donovan before they make mention of Mike Magee’s playoff-leading three goals: DRINK.

The first time someone remarks that Omar Gonzalez deserves a national team callup: DRINK. (If it’s during the pregame coverage follow your beverage with a rousing “TWELLLLLLLLLLLLLLMMMMMANNNNN!!”)

When Alexi Lalas inevitably says, “I just don’t see how the Dynamo can win without Brad Davis”: DRINK.

When Alexi Lalas says anything about the US National Team: DRINK. (NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK!)

When Dominic Kinnear, one of the great MLS coaches of all time, is introduced: CHEER.

When Bruce Arena gets his curtain: DRINK.

When you’re preparing to write a match preview and you realize that MLS quickly rewrote their midfield matchups piece following news that Brad Davis will miss the final through injury, but forgot to change the title from “Midfield Maestros”: LAUGH, DRINK and CHEER (that one was for me).

The first time Adam Moffat shanks Landypoo and then stands over him yelling something in Scottish (as far I’m concerned, it counts as its own language): CHEER.

David Beckham<Brad Davis

But when Landypants throws a hissy fit and gets the next five calls in a row: DRINK (and perhaps cry).

When John Harkes reminds us that Mark Geiger was rated the best referee in MLS: DRINK (and perhaps kick a hole in the TV).

When Brian Ching runs into 5′-5″ teammate Corey Ashe and falls to the ground like he got hit by a truck: CHEER.

But, when he somehow gets the whistle: DRINK.

When Beckham’s ever-growing bald spot reflects the stadium lights: CHEER.

I was going to write something cute here, but it made me too mad so I'm going with, "MLS' WORST REFEREE"

If Landydive and Beckham ever go up for a header and both bald spots are in the same frame: BUY THE ENTIRE BAR A ROUND (if you’re at home, offer your dog a swig of beer).

Whenever Sean Franklin is praised: DRINK. Then remember that Sheanon Williams is better in every way and CHEER.

Whenever Todd Dunivant is praised: DRINK. Then remember that both Carlos Valdes and Danny Califf are better in every way and CHEER.

When Houston’s forwards forget what to do when Brad Davis isn’t there putting the ball on a plate for them: DRINK.

When Tally Hall stones everyone: CHEER.

When Danny Cruz’s diving earns zero sympathy from the ref: CHEER.

Then remember that the ref supports the Galaxy and…DRINK.

When Andre Hainault elbows his fourth player and still can’t get himself a yellow card: DRINK.

Remember when Chris Birchall tried to break Jack McInerney’s leg? Well, he hasn’t gotten LESS dirty since them. When he cuts down Calen Carr: DRINK.

Every time Ian Darke is a testament to the beauty of the English language: CHEER.

Conversely, every time John Harkes says something that causes Darke to uncontrollably sigh into his microphone: DRINK.

When the Dynamo win 2-0 (One lucky, early goal against the run of play and a second late counterattack when the game is stretched): CHEER. And then when Brian Ching emotionally retires in the locker room: CHEER (and thank the Lord).

Feel free to add your own rules below.

Monday, is gonna be rough.

5 Comments

  1. That Birchall tackle on JacMac still makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about and still to believe that the MLS did not punish him for it but they punished another other tackles because the outcome was worse and not the tackle. Birchall is lucky that JacMac’s femur is made of steel or he would have been suspended for a long time

  2. OUTSTANDING!!!

  3. Dude, I think I’m going to be DEAD if I play this drinking game.

    Of course, I don’t have to work Monday, so … can I at least cut out the drinking for Ian Darke sighs at John Harkes? I want to at least be awake (alive?) to see the second half.

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