Melbourne Heart of the Australian A-League have completed what Fox Soccer calls “a masterstroke” by signing Brazilian playmaker Fred. Many Union fans will remember Fred as that guy who made a lot of money and didn’t live up to the hype before Carlos Ruiz arrived.

Four students from the Cortiva Institute School of Massage Therapy and Lengthy Names won an essay contest to provide massage therapy to the Philadelphia Union. If any one of these students does anything to get Amobi Okugo back on the field even one game faster… well, thank you.

Ben Massey writes about the Whitecaps, and even without following every little detail of the Union all season, he saw the team’s performance exactly as the rest of us did: “Philly came out of the gate tentatively, allowing Vancouver to have most of the possession (and that’s something with these Whitecaps, who have made giving the ball up into an art form). They waited too long to realize they were in trouble, made a flurry of substitutions before the hour mark, and wound up putting on a frantic last-ditch charge for an equalizer that came up short.” Yikes. That’s accurate. Hey Ben, do you happen to have one more nugget of wisdom to impart before you go? “Meanwhile, the Philadelphia forward attack was a non-factor: the much-lauded Sebastien Le Toux looked like he was getting paid for every shot he hit wide and the aforementioned 33-year-old Serbian debutant played exactly how you’d expect.”

Jack Warner resigned from all FIFA positions yesterday. FIFA responded by ending its ethics investigation and announcing that, “the presumption of innocence is maintained.” Warner will remain a government minister in Trinidad and Tobago, because falling up is just the way it works. And don’t worry. Something like this won’t ever happen again because Placido Domingo, Henry Kissinger and McGruff the Crime Dog are all going to join forces and root out any future corruption. Corruption is everywhere, and it is way too easy to get complacent and say there is nothing that can be done about it. All I can think to do right now is keep putting these stories up where people can see them. But what really bothers me about the whole mess in FIFA is that I cannot, no matter how hard I try, imagine how the people who run the world soccer organization, can actually love the sport.

It would be so weird if the story after Jack Warner resigning to avoid an ethics investigation was about Jack Warner being called as a witness in another ethics investigation, right? Like, that guy has to have zero credibility right now… Ha ha, oh innocence. How lost you are.

Ricardo Salazar! Come on down! The much-maligned officiating in MLS ramped it up a notch this weekend when Mr. Salazar’s handling of the Energy Drinks/Timbers match was called into question by New York GM Erik Soler.

Darrell Lovell asks Bolton Wanderers manager Owen Coyle about Stu Holden and his take on MLS.

The Philly Soccer News Player of the Week is Danesha Adams. The Independence striker scored twice on Saturday on the heels of tallying the winner a week ago against Western NY. She was also awarded a yellow card by Ricardo Salazar. Just kidding… probably.

Brad Wilson looks back at the Gold Cup quarterfinals and has five thoughts.

Charles Boehm wonders whether any Gold Cup standouts are on their way to MLS.

And the good news for Chelsea fans is that Andres Villas-Boas, aka Andres Snake Houses, has quit his job at Porto and will likely become the latest manager to be undermined by Roman Abramovich after winning a title. Chelsea have to pay fifteen million pounds to bring the manager (manager, not player) to London.