I’m not going to lead with the Chelsea highlights. I’m not going to lead with the Chelsea highlights. I’m NOT going to lead with the Chelsea… hello? Oh, there aren’t any Chelsea highlights? But what about the 70 million pounds they spent in January? Torres and David Luiz played, you say? Well I’m sure Liverpool countered with their expensive January signings, right? No!? Suarez didn’t make it off the bench? Carragher made Drogba his rhymes-with-rich? Lucas moved the ball slowly, gave it away often, and made enough tackles for his apologists to call him a success? That’s more like what I was expecting.

Chelsea came out in a 4-3-1-2, with Nicolas Anelka playing just behind Torres and Drogba (0 goals as a duo thus far). Liverpool played 3 in the back because they weren’t scared of Chelsea’s has-been offense. Raul Meireles continued his man-of-the-season form with the winning goal from a Gerrard cross. Torres was substituted in the 66th or something. Who cares. That guy sucks.

Remember last year when Leo Messi was the second best player on the planet but FIFA gave him the Ballon d’Or anyways because, hell, it’s Messi and who is going to dispute Messi? Well, the best player on the planet last year was Wesley Sneijder. Remember when Messi won Champions League last year? Nope. Ooh, or when Messi led his team to the World Cup finals? Yeah, nope again. The guy who ran soccer last year is healthy again and man… he is good.

Newcastle just sold their best striker to Liverpool. Then their second best striker went down with a major knee injury. Then they played Arsenal. Then they went down 0-4 at home to Arsenal. Then Joey Barton made a stunningly ugly challenge on Abou Diaby, who retaliated and got a red card. Barton got nothing, although he should have seen red. Then Newcastle scored a penalty kick (good call). Then Newcastle scored again. Then Newcastle scored another penalty kick (bad call). And then it was 3-4. And then the ball was headed out of the box on a high looping arc. And then Tiote moved his feet, got under the ball, took a breath, and…

You have to watch until about the fifth replay before you realize how nasty this pass from Ibrahimovic to Pato is. Ibra is inside the box, completely still, and two defenders refuse to approach him. Aretha say respect.

Sometimes when you swing your leg, you hit the ball just so perfectly that you know you’ll never do it again. Jamie Ness knows this feeling after his goal against Celtic. Take a bow, young man! This shot takes my breath away.

Ronaldinho opened his Flamengo account with a penalty kick. No biggie, except apparently he is the captain now? For reals??

Dinho wasn’t the only Brazilian legend returning home for the twilight of his career this weekend. Rivaldo joined Sao Paolo and got his first goal in style.

Niko Kranjcar doesn’t get to play very often for Tottenham, but he’s pretty talented. And if nothing else, the boy can shoot.

Barcelona is unstoppable. They simply cannot be stopped by mortals. In fact, a team of superheroes with superpowers would have trouble stopping Barcelona. If last season is any indication, the only person who can stop Barcelona is Zlatan Ibrahimovic, when he played striker for them. Leo Messi had a had trick and could have had a few more.

101greatgoals.com brings us one of the worst no-goal calls in history. Wait for the replay on this highlight. I predict you’ll say, “Holy crap! What? Really? Hoooly crap!”

Giampaolo Pazzini was Inter Milan’s big January signing. He was introduced in the 2nd half of their match against Palermo with the defending champs down 0-2. Pazzini. Took. Over. Two goals and a penalty earned.  Pay particular attention to the first goal, where GiamPowPow takes down a waist-level cross with a defender on his back. That’s really hard.

Manchester United’s unbeaten run was ended by table-caboose Wolves on Saturday.

And just to round things out: Louis Saha scored four.