Ah, week three. We have blowouts, hat tricks, and goalless draws. All the things that make soccer great yet inaccessible to talk radio aficionados.

Primera

Cracovia continued their strong start to the year with a shutout of Stoney United. The Big Cs have only allowed one goal in three games, tied with West Philly FC for the best defensive record in Primera. Speaking of WPFC, their laughable offensive output has crossed over into the “aw, how sad” zone. 270 minutes of soccer and nary a goal to be found. A 0-0 tie with Drinker’s Pub leaves West Philly on 2 points for the season, while Drinker’s pushes up the table to 4th. Colin Haviland earned Man of the Match honors for Philly Soccer Firm as he helped protect a goalless draw with AC Milan, who also haven’t scored this season. Finally, a game in which both teams scored! Philly United squeaked by Real Optimus 2-1 behind goals from Matt Nassar and Pete Pittaoulis. And what is this? Three teams haven’t scored yet in Primera? What’s the deal here, all three of you can’t be starting Alejandro Moreno up front! Grey Lodge is unlucky number three. They fell to the bottom of the table after a 2-0 loss to NewPhillyUnited. I’d tell you who scored, but somebody didn’t fill out their roster numbeeeeers! Actually, a lot of teams haven’t done that. If you want to see your name in lights, tell your captains to match your name and number on the roster.

Segunda

A rough and tumble match between Nittany United and Mt. Laurel FC resulted in 3 yellow cards and 3 points for Mt. Laurel. Ben Werbos got MTFC on the board before Ian Zolty finished things off. Copabanana had their purple Le Toux shoes on as they dropped a six-pack on FC Bucks. Jim Posey had a consolation goal for Bucks. Chresten Knaff had the winner for Copabanana while Jared Savitski was the MotM. Jordan Gyunn had a pair for Philly Athletic as they shutout United Nations FC 4-0. Bayern Makefield and Cooperage FC, both seemingly determined to hold onto their pretty defensive records, spent 90 minutes on the lazy river on their way to a 0-0 tie. Still no goals for Matt Surbits Come on, Matty! You’re an embarrassment to rabbit-owners everywhere! Playing that safety-first football is how you end up in second (and third) place. Show ’em how it’s done Quaker City and Cannons. This is a tie the Round-up can get behind! Chris Herting and Jared Mitchell got their names on the board for QC. Cannons responded with strikes from… hey, why does Cannons have two number tens?

Tercera

Only one 0-0 tie in Tercera. Park Towne and Lot Lizards slept through that one, with the most notable thing being Michael Cann’s number. Sixty-one? What, were all the cool prime numbers taken? Joe Venonsky‘s new favorite number is two – that’s how many goals he scored as he led AOH61 over FC Spartans 2-0. Lee Superville has the right last name, and his hat trick has convinced the Round-up to forgive Organized Chaos’ oxymoronic name for one more week. Revs76 got second half goals to close the gap but fell to OC 3-2. Revolving Orange left it late to slip past Sweet Lucy’s 1-0. John O’Brien lashed home the 80th minute winner. Brad Perry scored the winner and was Man of the Match for Spruce Goose, helping them slip by AC Sessano 2-1. Man of the Match honors also go to Amri Bawa, as he helped Always Sunny defeat Tacony Soccer Club 3-1.

Abierto

Blowouts galore in Abierto this week, but let’s get the tight ones out of the way first. Brett Hinderer was the best player on the pitch, but he couldn’t break the 0-0 draw between PPR and South Jersey Select. Nelson Alave lashed home the winner to push Balls of Fury over FC Kilbanes 3-2. The win keeps BoF in a tie for first place with Loose Cannons. Seamus Scanlon had a brace, including the winner, as those Loose Cannons rolled to a 9-0 win over Sons of Ben Independence. The match also featured two own goals. In the other game with big crooked numbers, Noelle Bisinger had the second goal and was the class of the pitch as FC Recreational Hazards kept Casa United from earning their first point of the season. It will come, CU. You’re a good team.

And that’s the round-up for week three! Let’s see whose ivy is highest on the wall this week:

Primera: Cracovia takes over first place. Bombardier of Championship (leading scorer): Andres Gutierrez (Drinker’s Pub), Leo Otero (Philly United)….2

Segunda: Copabanana FC. Bombardier of Championship: Matt Doyle (Copabanana)….4

Tercera: Revolving United. Bombardier of Championship: John O’Brien (Revolving United)….3

Abierto: Loose Cannons. Bombardier of Championship: Bill Essounni (Kilbanes)….7