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Where the hell did I leave my funny hat?

Portsmouth 0-2 Liverpool

More about this game later today. At this moment, it will suffice to say the better team won and Gerrard put in a Randy Mossesque shift.

Fulham 3-0 Manchester United

Clint Dempsey has made the biggest impression on English soccer of any American not wearing goalie gloves. Man U tried to lock Dempsey and fellow winger Damien Duff back by deploying five in the midfield, Dempsey and Duff responded by shooting through gaps so creatively and consistently that the Red Devils had to change formation early in the second half. A tactical slap-on-the-behind to Clint and a slap on the face to Alex Ferguson’s ego.

Blackburn 0-2 Tottenham

Ever since Ireland lost to France on the infamous Henry handball, Robbie Keane hasn’t been a part of Tottenham’s starting eleven. In his stead, man/myth/legend/robot Peter Crouch has been magic. After Defoe, Rooney and Heskey?* the English national team has a plethora of strikers fighting for spots in South Africa. Crouch must be leading the pack.

Arsenal 3-0 Hull City

These teams don’t like each other. Last year, Hull accused Cesc Fabregas of spitting at their assistant coach. Two years ago, Hull shocked the world by thoroughly destroying Arsenal at the Emirates, a win that featured Geovanni’s goal of the season. This time around, Arsenal came out on top, but the game included its requisite fracas thanks to Samir Nasri stompin’ the leg of Richard Garcia.

Aston Villa 1-0 Stoke City

Brad Friedel with another shut out. Villa is tied with Arsenal on points, and 8 points ahead of 8th placed Liverpool for 4th. Remember Liverpool? They played soccer once.

Manchester City 4-3 Sunderland

Mark Hughes fired after the win. Roberto Mancini hired. This might not make Man City better, but it certainly makes them more beautiful.

One thing I would change about myself? I would make this spot as suave as the rest of me.

Wolverhampton 2-0 Burnley

Brought in to tutor Wolves’ young goalies, American Marcus Hahnemann appears to be using a watch-and-learn approach as he continues to lock down the starting spot.

Everton 1-1 Birmingham

West Ham 1-1 Chelsea

*Heskey? will continue to have a question mark next to his name until a good reason for him remaining on the English national team emerges.